Why can’t I just be the person I wish to be? I’m not talking about professions and careers. I am talking about becoming the “kind” of person I desire to be so much. What if I wish to become an outgoing extrovert? Or what if I just want to make and keep new friends easily? How about changing myself to be more assertive and not take crap from others? Or what if I tend to be too aggressive and I just wish to be calmer around others?
Perhaps this wise saying will put in perspective what I am trying to say:
It’s definitely true that we can’t even make ourselves the way we want to be. But why can’t we be the way we wish to be?
My quest led me to book called The Healing Code by Dr. Alexander Lloyd. He talks about how before getting married, his wife and him talked about what they each believed to make sure they were compatible and “on the same page.” And interestingly, within a few months after getting married, they came to the brink of divorce. He explained that whenever anyone talks about what they believe, they are simply referring to their conscious beliefs, which make up barely 10% of their total beliefs. The majority or 90% or so of all our beliefs are subconscious, and come out through our actions. Up to 90% of our beliefs are subconscious, meaning below the level where we can easily detect them? I find that really unfair. Don’t judge my whining as yet. You may whine along with me as you keep reading.
There are other interesting scientific facts I learned from Dr. Lloyd, such as everyone in childhood up to a certain age walks around in a hypnotic state, accepting any and all suggestions the people in their environment provide them with. It obviously becomes much more difficult as adults to accept new ideas that don’t correspond to our acquired earlier experiences.
Also, all “traumatic” childhood occurrences remain in our subconscious, locked in, interestingly from the perspective of the age we experience them. For example, at age 5, your mom gave out candy to all your siblings except you, because you didn‘t finish your meal. However, as a 5 year old, you interpreted that as “I am unworthy.” Not only that, but that traumatic memory stays the same throughout your life, affecting all your conscious thoughts and choices, unless somehow you can dig it out and heal it. It’s not that your mom is a bad person, it’s just that your memory remains stored from the perspective of the 5 year old, and it will shape your identity and sense of self.
Are you serious? Now that’s really unfair! What about the conscious brain, you say? The problem is, that if there is a discrepancy between what the subconscious brain believes and what the conscious brain believes, the subconscious brain ALWAYS wins, because the subconscious is MUCH stronger than the conscious brain. The subconscious dictates to the conscious brain. This would explain much about how we often don’t understand why we do the many things we do.
My confusion and hurt only got deeper when I read a book called Physicians of the Heart by Ali, Hyde & Muqaddam. Imagine that someone were to bring up an incident where you were mistreated, and you either felt like you had forgiven the parties responsible or that you didn’t even remember the incident and felt indifferent to it. The authors explain that when put under a relaxed hypnotic state, it was discovered that you still carried the hurt, pain, and anger from that incident. Therefore, conscious forgetting/forgiving does not necessarily equal subconscious forgetting/forgiving.
Now I just want to cry. Why are we designed like this?
The same authors explained that the human personality is the result of the various interpretations we gave to our experiences in our childhood, particularly early childhood.
Why am I doomed to how I felt as a toddler?
This concept relates to the story in The Healing Code. Dr. Lloyd tells us of a young woman who grew up in the shadow of her very outgoing and popular older brother. She always stayed in the background and had a very ordinary life. In her late teens, she married one of her brother’s friends, had children, and quietly settled into caring for her children. Then one fateful day, she had a terrible car accident where she almost died. She lost all her memories and even had to be reacquainted with her husband and children. She started reading up on memory loss and eventually gave public talks about the subject, and became a very sought after person. So what allowed her to make this dramatic shift all of a sudden? The answer is that because she had no memories, her subconscious and conscious mind had nothing to point to and say “This is who I am.”
But the question is that do I have to pray for some terrible accident in which I lose my memory to be the kind of person I wish to be, or is there another easier way?
For now, I just keep thinking and keep saying, “It’s not fair, God! Why can’t we just be who we choose to consciously be? Why must we be enslaved to our childhood memories, most of which we can’t even consciously recall?”
There are many people who are highly temperamental or violent as adults because they suffered abuse as children. Why must they suffer because as children they interpreted events in a certain way and somewhere deep in their psyche they hold anger and pain towards those people who hurt them?
What do we make of our subconscious mind which is in reality our master, and yet, what it holds, we barely even know. If you do, please let me know.